Fingerpaints
by Nytel
Summary: Love is like a set of fingerpaints: beautiful in all its possibilities, but easily turned into a mess. Spoilers for The Lost Tribe.


**Fingerpaints**

When Ronon left Jen standing in the hallway, he didn't know where he was going, only that he needed to get away from where he'd been. Anger and shame coursed through his veins and his hands clenched into fists involuntarily at his sides, though in truth they yearned to reach out and hit something. Anything.

He'd taken a chance with her, and it had done nothing but explode in his face—the fragments of whatever relationship he'd built with her wounding him more than he ever wanted to admit. Ronon didn't know if the 'someone else' was McKay, and he didn't care—to him it didn't matter. All that mattered was that it wasn't him. It was someone better.

Somewhere deep down he knew that was the kind of person Jen deserved, someone who wasn't broken. But that knowledge did nothing to stop the growing ache in his chest or the undesired sense of inadequacy and hopelessness that threatened to overcome him.

* * *

At the end of their eventful day, Teyla sought out the members of her team, knowing that she would sleep much better once having seen that they were all okay for herself. It was not hard to locate either John or Rodney, but Ronon was proving to be elusive. It was strange; he was usually quite easy to track down. If not in his room he was either in the sparring room, the mess hall, or as of late the infirmary.

Teyla could not help but smile to herself as she thought of how much Ronon had softened over the past few weeks, no doubt as a result of his spending more and more time with Dr. Keller. She felt nothing but happiness for her friend. After everything that Ronon had been through, both before coming to Atlantis and since he had arrived, he deserved someone like Jennifer.

After nearly an hour of searching for the Satedan, Teyla asked one of the passing expedition members if they had seen Ronon. The young woman nodded shyly, and told Teyla she had seen him heading for the southeast pier, and that he had looked mad. Teyla felt a twinge of worry, but then dismissed it. Ronon's rough exterior was more than likely the reason for the woman's conclusion. All things considered the events of the day had played out quite well, and Teyla could not imagine a reason why Ronon would be angry.

When she arrived at the southeast pier and looked out into the darkness of the evening, Teyla almost missed seeing Ronon. He was hidden in the shadows of the balcony, as far away from the door as possible. The worry came back, however, as Teyla stepped through the doors outside and felt a change in the air that was not related to the planet's climate.

"Ronon?" She inquired softly as the door slid closed behind her. Teyla eyed him cautiously as she approached, taking careful note of his appearance.

His entire body was tense, and his hands were clutching the railing of the balcony so tightly Teyla was afraid the ancient material might give out beneath his hands.

"Ronon?" She repeated, stepping up behind him, just off to the side. She placed her hand lightly on his back, only to find that his shoulders were shaking slightly. "What's wrong?" She asked, insistency pressing in her voice. Never in all her years of knowing Ronon had Teyla seen him like this.

She peered around his side, trying to catch a glimpse of his face, but his head was bowed and his hair formed a curtain, shielding him from her view. She was about to ask again, when she heard, "I'm not good enough." Ronon's voice was low and rough, and it sounded as if it hurt him to speak.

His words took Teyla by surprise and had she not been standing directly next to him, she would not have believed she heard him correctly. "For what?" Teyla asked, her voice soft but still demanding. Surely there was some sort of misunderstanding here…

"For her," Ronon said after a moment. His shoulders were still trembling, and when Teyla looked down she saw evidence of teardrops on the surface of the railing.

Teyla felt her chest tighten in response to her friend's desolate answer, and as she struggled to find the right words to say, he continued. "She's interested in someone else," he said slowly, still not looking up.

"Ronon, I …" Teyla sighed and began to rub her hand up and down his back soothingly. "I am truly sorry." After a moment she started to add, "May I ask…?" But her voice trailed off mid-sentence, leaving the question of 'whom' unspoken.

However Ronon obviously knew where she had been headed with her words. He laughed, and the harsh unexpected sound nearly caused Teyla to jump. "Does it matter?" He asked, anger seeding itself deep within his voice. "Someone better. Better than me."

Teyla squeezed Ronon's shoulder gently. "Ronon…"

"Why would she want a wraith killing monster who doesn't even remember how to be a man, when she could have someone else?"

Teyla was shocked at his words, and had struggled to find what she hoped would be the correct response. "Do not say those things," Teyla's voice was firm, but still soft. "You are one of the kindest, most brave and noble men that I know. She does not know what she is giving up."

Teyla jumped when Ronon make a noise that could only be described as a growl, before beginning to kick the railing. For a brief moment Teyla was too startled to react, but when she regained her wits she grabbed a hold of the back of Ronon's arms, and tried to pull him away from the railing. He did indeed let go, but instead of stopping, he spun around and moved past her, heading for the wall of the tower.

Teyla winced before Ronon's fist had even connected with the hard surface, knowing that a punch with that amount of force would bring him nothing but pain. She called out, trying to stop Ronon, but he had pulled back his hand and let it fly again. Before long he was hitting and kicking the wall so violently, that Teyla was worried Ronon would do more damage than could be undone, not to the wall, but to himself.

Forcefully she grabbed him and turned him towards her. Looking at his face, Teyla's heart began to ache for her friend. Tears trailed silently down his cheeks, and the look in his eyes was one of complete despair. In that moment all of the anger seemed to flow out of his body, and with it all of Ronon's remaining energy. He slid to the ground, his back against the wall, and Teyla crouched down in front of him.

"Why am I not good enough?" He asked her, looking directly into her eyes.

Teyla moved into the spot against the wall by his side and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. She knew that whatever she said at that moment, Ronon would surely not hear. So instead she held him as she would a child as the tears began to stream more surely, and the sobs caused his shoulders to shake harshly beneath her arm.

It was not long before Ronon regained his composure and pulled away from her embrace, trying to wipe his face inconspicuously. She let him, knowing that he felt embarrassed enough at that moment. A few moments passed before Teyla reached for Ronon's hand nearest her. Raising it slightly, she could see the broken skin of his swollen knuckles, and the drying blood around the scrapes.

"I believe that perhaps you should go to the infirmary to be checked out." She eyed him cautiously as she said this.

Ronon tensed and pulled his hand away. "I don't need to go the infirmary, I'm fine," he stated gruffly.

Teyla sighed. "She will not be there right now."

Ronon averted his eyes from Teyla completely.

"If you wait until the morning, when your hands truly begin to hurt, then she will be."

Ronon stood up silently and Teyla followed suit. "Fine," he said quietly. "I'll go."

Teyla smiled softly. "Do you wish for me to come with you?"

Ronon gave her an incredulous look, and for a moment Teyla saw a glimpse of the old Ronon fluttering beneath the layers of pain. She smiled. "I will see you in the morning then."

He nodded and turned to leave, but paused at the last second. "Uh, Teyla?"

She smiled at him, before hugging him tightly. "Anytime," she said, responding to his unspoken thanks.

He nodded before stepping back into the halls of the city.

* * *

The next morning Jen could barely keep her eyes open as she walked into the infirmary. She hadn't gotten a wink of sleep the previous night, and she knew exactly why… Ronon. Or more specifically what she'd said to Ronon. God, she had known it would be hard to do, but she hadn't guessed it would be that difficult. For a few moments she wasn't even sure that she'd be able to get the words out—didn't know if she wanted to get them out.

Somehow she'd gone from being the loner genius from Chippewa Falls, with no romantic interests to speak of, to the chief medical officer of an intergalactic expedition with not only one, but two men interested in her. As exciting and thrilling as the notion was, she knew that she needed to pick one of them. It wasn't fair to any of them if she kept both men dragging along while she tried to make up her mind.

It hadn't been an easy decision, and she still didn't even know if it was the right one, but it had been made. She'd spent countless hours mulling over the situation, feeling nauseous at the thought of what she knew she had to do. She'd even tried to make pro and con lists, but only ended up throwing them out when she realized that emotions and personal relationships couldn't be split into two columns and categorized.

In the end she had picked Rodney. Some people might question her choice, or hell, completely berate her for it. But to her it had seemed right, or at least the more right out of the two. She knew how Rodney felt about her, even if he had never told her in a right state of mind. There were no doubts, not like there was with Ronon. The Satedan was mysterious, and attractive, and she always felt so alive when she was with him, but she never knew where she stood either. There were days when he would look at her in a way that made her insides erupt with butterflies, and other days where he didn't see her as anything past a quick fix to whatever battle wound he'd managed to acquire. Ronon confused her, and this whole romantic thing was foreign enough as it was, it didn't need an extra level of complication.

She thought that she'd been making the right choice, but now… God, she didn't know anymore. The look on Ronon's face before he'd walked away had haunted her all night long. Knowing that she was the cause of it was tearing her apart.

Maybe, just maybe in a few days it would all make sense, and she'd feel confident in her choice once again.

"Dr. Keller?"

Jen looked up from the blank computer monitor she'd been staring at. She hadn't even realized that she'd walked over to her desk and sat down. "Sorry, Marie," Jen said as she stood up and turned around.

The other doctor smiled and handed her a small stack of paper. "Only three infirmary visits last night. I just need you to sign off on them before I file them away."

Jen smiled and took the papers from the other woman's outstretched hands. "Sure thing." She briefly glanced over the first two, and signed them right away, but her hand stopped poised over the signature line on the last one as her eyes focused solely on the name at the top.

"Ronon Dex was in here last night?" She asked, her stomach twisting in a way that made her wish she had the stomach flu instead.

Marie nodded. "Yes. He said he had another sparring accident, but from the look of his hands I'd say he was either in a fist fight, or he punched something pretty hard."

Jen's stomach turned to lead, and a wave of guilt washed over her. "Oh," she said softly, trying to sound like she wasn't anything more than curious, when in reality that was far from the truth. She forced herself to sign on the dotted line, hurrying the movement so that Marie wouldn't be able to tell that her hand had begun to shake.

She relinquished the papers to Marie with a forced smile, before turning around to face her desk. She reached for a pen from the holder on her desk. She didn't need one, but it gave her an extra moment to try and compose herself. However, that composure broke immediately when she heard Rodney's voice behind her.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully.

Jen breathed deeply as she turned to face him, wondering if she could pretend like nothing was wrong. "Good morning, Rodney," she replied, fiddling with the pen anxiously as she looked at him, yet tried to avoid his eyes.

"I thought maybe you might like to go for breakfast?" He asked. "I hear they're serving eggs benedict today."

Jen smiled shakily. "I'm sorry, Rodney, I don't think… I'm just really busy right now."

"Oh," he said, his voice falling. "Is everything okay?"

Jen stared at him for a moment, about to lie, but instead the truth managed to slip out. "No, it's really not."

The End


End file.
